Emo alert..dont read if you are having a good day..

im starting to feel like this is my personal blog.
lets go, help me out.

I love my wife. She has been out of town for a week, and there is nothing like the wife being gone for a week to really make me take an inward look at the being that is B.McCoy.
Sometimes its not a pretty site.
I am needy. I need my wife. I really need my wife on a regular basis. more than she needs me. she is very secure in her life. im not 100% sure that i am.
I feel rejected when my cat chooses to go outside at night instead of sleeping with me, just so someone is there. I get scared. I think that i am schizophrenic sometimes. i have for a couple years now. it gets worse when im alone.
When i am driving in my car. I want someone to call. When there is no one to call, i get pissed. When i get home, i jump on the internet and talk to friends on ichat for hours.
i cant be alone too damn much. never have been able to.
still cant.
the kicker is, i hung out with people almost every night amanda has been gone, and now all i want to do is sit in my house. This takes me back to where i started. Although i dont want to hang out with anyone, i dont want to be alone in my house. My cat is here, however, and i have three conversations going through ichat as i type this, so i dont feel as alone. Fuck.
When i cant think of things to say, i say Fuck. It is a verbal fallback. its not a terribly good one, but i dont care.
Amanda gets home tomorrow.
it'll all be better in the morning.. it always is...
i'm absolutely no fucking good at being by myself. Why is that? I think i have always been like that. What an interesting thing about my life. I sometimes hate learing new things when it has to do with me and things that arent right. I suppose thats the only way to progress in life right? You have to know where you are weak so you can focus on that area and make it better.
but whoever said that we all need to be better? why cant i just be some fucking guy who loves his wife, and hates being alone? thats what i am, and i seem to be getting along ok.... except for the last week or so. Indeed. Interesting.
Self preservation i suppose. thats why we get better right? No, we do it for others sake as well. Mostly for others. If we are to change, its better to change for others sake. If it helps you along the way, thats a bonus.
I played at a church that was full of Christians who were Christians for the sake of themselves. Im sure they live a much better spiritual life than i do individually. Meaning they are pretty tight with God. they yelled in the mic alot about what God was telling them. God doesnt tell me stuff like that too damn often. There is a side of me that wants to jump ship, and be one of those people who are in thier own world with God, where famine, genocide, poverty, war and other stuff doesnt exist. If it doesnt exist to me, then its not really happening, right? The people at this church seem to get on just fine. As long as the president doesnt believe in abortion or stem cell, we should be ok.
Im sure thats not true of everyone in that church, but it seemed like it at the time. The pastor is cool though.
I used to think Real Live Preacher was a lame whiney guy with some good ideas, but his blogs were downers.
then i just read everything i just typed, and realized im the bizarro RLP.
Its not Bono, but its better than Stalin right?
love you guys, sorry for the downer tonight. look what i turn into when forced to look at my life for a week!