so things are going slow, but steady.
i have labored over this sentence for the last 12 hours. It started with an idea that i couldnt even get formed into words. then i got the words, but they just didnt make sense. Then they made sense, but only to me.
then i thought i had it, but was missing a comma (duly noted by a wise man by the name of A.Ivey)
Im still not 100% sold on it, but i feel like its getting the point across, and fairly well written.
give me some feedback, is the point clear?
here's the sentence....
It was during this time that I realized that something as insignificant as the smell of perfume or cologne that lingered in the air long after it’s source had moved on, just offensive enough for a passerby to take in the last remnants before the fragrance was swallowed up by the stench of the real world, would often cripple whatever thought my mind had been developing and immediately cause my soul to ache with the loss of good friends and memories of younger times.
be gentle, I dont have a degree..
b
collective ramblings: shallow as the kiddy pool, deep as black holes, and everything in between.
2 comments:
I get it, but it's long, and very dense...could you get the same point across with...3 sentences?
B, this is a beautiful thought, I love it. I don't even want to give feedback, because it's yours, not mine, you know? But, it sounds to me like the point is to make a metaphor for describing your thoughts, comparing them to fleeting scents. I love the imagery of "the stench of the real world," which eventually overtakes both the scents AND the thoughts, which we can all relate to on both levels. I think the sentence would be stronger without the very end (beginning with "and immediately..."), because bringing the loss and memory into the picture takes it somewhere else and disrupts the metaphor.
But of course, context is king, and this will be beautiful with whatever's around it. Can't wait to hear more!
By the way, has the Kerouac spoken word disc done anything for you? I was just enjoying it the other day...
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